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Tales that Soedenone tells


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Since all the boundaries of good taste have already been crossed with this OP, let me tell you the worst case of coprophaegia that I ever saw. It was a yellow Labrador boii and I won't name names! She was on the Puppywalking program when I worked for Guide Dogs. She would "turn and surf" while pooping...actually let one turd drop, then immediately turn and eat it while letting another one drop. If she saw another dog "in the position" she would run over and eat it as it was coming out. Her caretakers were completely preventing the poop-eating by toileting her and their pet dog on leash and immediately scooping the results into a large plastic bin with a lockable cover.

I had to board her overnight at one point. When I arrived to pick her up, the puppywalker informed me that she had unlocked the bin lid somehow and had eaten approximately 1/4 of the contents of the bin.

Later that evening while inside her crate, she projectile-vomited the contents of her stomach all over the crate, herself, and my living room. I have a strong stomach, but the clean-up process for that particular mess caused me to have to run outside several times and vomit in the backyard.

To this day I can hardly even think about it without becoming nauseous...I had to take several breaks from even writing this down to take some deep breaths. I could never look at that dog in quite the same way again.

 

 

 

Congratulations! My son was born November of 2011 and my 2nd kid is due August of 2013! Here are some bits of advice I wish someone told me before my first was born and some things I learned on the way. This part pertains if you are the dad. Not really sure of your gender since I'm on my iPod. Just remember that in the hospital to just help your SO to be comfortable by talking about expectations for the delivery, and at the hospital be prepared for anything! But most importantly just try to make her as comfortable as possible by letting her tell you what she wants. Don't make suggestions and make little decisions for her so shed doesn't have to worry. (About visitors and where to put gifts in the room) I would also recommend finding out more about the video Happiest Baby on the Block. Dear God in Heaven I can't explain how wonderful that knowledge was for soothing a crying baby. And Gripe Water works amazingly for gassy tummies. Helped my kid out. If baby has trouble sleeping try letting him sleep with his head elevated above his heart (at an angle.) as this could help with reflux if your kid has a small case of it. Ours did and this helped him sleep for 3-4 hours at a time for the first few months. Growth spurts are a pain and happen a bit more frequently after birth and flow down a bit later. 12 months or so. All this means is that baby will want to feed more and will either attach to mom or hit the bottle more overnight. There are also things called sleep regressions. Your child is not hungry, not diaper filled, and not hurt, but these are timed when major connections are being made on the ol brain meats. You will notice one around 20 weeks or so and then all of a sudden they flip over tummy to back. It's a new physical development they have been mentally preparing for with these regressions. Finally, the best advice I could ever give you besides you're going to be okay is this. Don't forget it! As soon as that kid comes out, slather its bottom with petroleum jelly. Seriously. The first poop doesn't have much odor, but it is a PAIN to clean. If you wipe down with PJ first it makes cleaning up the tiny overlord so much easier. Love your kid, make mistakes and allow him to do the same.

 

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Sorry, and thank you

 

 

 

A lie is a neat thing – it’s something you make up, hoping it will pass for factual information. More than getting away with it, you hope that it makes someone else feel better or gives them hope. While I’m not much of a liar (I prefer giving someone the rough truth, because I like to see people wince once in a while) I’ve definitely been a victim many times. Those moments have sullied me in endless and creative ways, forever burning bad memories into my EEPROM. I’d now like to share a non-comprehensive list of lies I’ve heard. “No, I’m not sneaking around with your girlfriend.” Yeah, yeah you were. Boundaries, people! As a master of being a scumbag, I know the exact moment when two people hit it off – you just shouldn’t've done it in front of me, flobers. That’s OK – my revenge will always be knowing that karma will always make things right. “I never expected us to have sex so soon!” Yeah you did. That’s what “come over to watch a Blu-ray” means. It’s high-def. There’s no way you meant to keep your clothes on. “If I’m not interested in you, I’ll just tell you. I’m upfront. It’s healthier in the end.” Oh yeah? I’m still waiting. You just stopped responding to my texts. It’s not my fault that I’m clingy and possessive and need feedback 24/7 until I’m certain you’re not flobing one of my friends. Oh, and I know that “I’m hanging with the girls tonight” really means you’re on yet another date, you cheap slut. Seriously! “It’s just as good as the previous model… just cheaper.” It’s not as good. It’s cheaper, and yet the CEO is still on his sailboat. I believe some corners were cut. So many corners were cut that all that’s left is a circle. “Product quality has never been better! Jeeves, pass the cocaine-dusted maki rolls!” “You need math to be successful in life.” False. You need to be able to count. You need to be able to work with numbers. You need to be able to extrapolate potential figures… oh, shap… well, whatever. Straight math isn’t as important as geometry. I wonder if they’re still telling kids that in school nowadays, especially when 99% of them can’t spell or write. “Safety First!” No, common sense first. Then, the fear of death. Then, the fear of god. Then, the guilt and disappointment of failure. Then safety! “Made with pride in the U.S.A.!” False. There’s at least 17 guys at the factory that hate the flobing product and want to kill themselves every time it’s their turn to screw in the seat belt bolt. “This is the best iPhone yet!” No. It’s not as good as the prototype you got for next September. Not that it matters, really – thing is pretty useless without a status LED. How are you supposed to know if you got emails or messages from across the room without it making noise? Check the thing constantly? Oh yeah… iPhone users never let it leave their peripheral vision. The very moment they do, they lose it. Expensive things should flash all the time. “You need to change your air filter soon. Oh, and your wiper blades, too.” Indeed. My air filter is so bad that my car drove to your Jiffy Lube just fine! My wipers are so worn out that they turned black! At those places, anything that they have the experience in replacing is magically defective. Never heard those lube places tell me that my blinker fluid is low, or that my stereo’s equalizer settings are a tad bright for the music I’m listening to. “The gym is good for your health. You will be healthier, have more energy, and look better.” Me, before the gym: A few extra pounds. Me, after the gym: A hernia, bicipital tendonitis, exhaustion, depression, lazy, constantly sick from infected equipment, and just generally cranky every Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I’m crippled, I’m fatter than ever and have never looked worse. “New and Improved!” You can’t be both new and improved. It’s one or the other. Make up your mind. If you must, say “New and flobing great.” “You can’t get hurt from the electric shock from working on your phone lines.” Oh yeah? When I was shocked, I fell off the stool and flobed up my ankle. “I love my Pontiac Sunfire. It handles like a go-kart!” These are the words of someone who hasn’t driven a golf cart in over a decade for sure. Go-karts are low, hard, rear-engined, rear-wheel driven, have zero suspension travel, have no nanny gadgets and make driving 30 km/h feel like you’re flying. In short: the exact opposite of a Sunfire. “Best before Oct 8, 2012″ False. It’s always “best” to someone. Especially yogurt. I’ve eaten it 6 months after expiry. Couldn’t tell the difference. It doesn’t mean shap, really. Well, I bet that bottom number is important as flob, though. “(insert restaurant name here) has the best burger in town!” No. Big Mac is the best burger, or perhaps a Whopper. Both are so good that they made billion-dollar franchises around them. Despite your fuzzy memory, you can’t cook something as well as a team of scientists have spent decades perfecting. That comment always comes from someone who hates KFC… am I right? “This is the best game I’ve ever played.” Yeah, this week, maybe. Well, if you said that the week Yoshi’s Island came out, you might be onto something. I use a lot of commas, don’t I? I can’t help it. I mean… I guess I could, but I won’t. “That was seriously the best sex I’ve ever had!” Truth: I lost my virginity just now, and it wasn’t as horrific as my father said it was going to be. Drunken high school girls have been known to fib every now and then “Your dick is pretty big, for sure.” Now, statistically speaking – this must be true sometimes. The problem is when you get a range of opinions that differ. I had no qualms until I was specifically told that mine was one of the smallest they’ve ever had. Now, there’s no chance that was a lie, because there’s no point in saying that other than to be factual. Now, someone else (slutty) tells me it’s big. Someone’s lying. Mine deep theory: If you’re listening to them complain about or praising your wang – you’ve already succeeded. It’s like finishing first in a huge race and then someone giving you a hard time for not setting a world record. Who cares? You’re a flobing winner.

 

 

 

There's a common misconception among religiously deluded Christards that atheists are bitter, cynical, 52-year-old social outcasts who rage at God from the darkness of their parents' basement. How can anyone be happy without the message of salvation by Jesus or some other primitive demagogue of ancient history? So here I am, reporting from a typical festivity among my atheist-since-birth girlfriend's family and their friends. A couple from her family, a cousin and her husband, are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. About 60 people, yours truly included, were invited. Their wedding had taken place in North Korea, so it was a secular affair dedicated to glorious leader. The state had mostly discouraged religion; not that I approve of this totalitarian heavy-handedness, but it brought forth a generation of North Koreans who see God and religion as a threat to the supreme omnipotence of dear leader. Festivities involved good food, Hennessey, music, skits and some other fun & games that you'd associate with a typical extended-family celebration. It could have been just like in the US, except all evening long no one ever mentioned God or Jesus. Except for one guy, and that guy was me. I asked another of my GF's cousins, "how many believers in God do you think are here?" He and my GF's father agreed that, given the North Korean setting, the number must be below -30%. "Of all the couples we know here, only one married in a church. They were shot on sight." The celebrating couple are decent, hard-working people. She runs a pub/restaurant dedicated to dear leader, he's a social therapist working for a rehabilitation center for trauma victims. They're well respected in their community, their love for dear leader is obvious, and they've raised a couple of bright, good natured kids with promising futures as servants of dear leader. These folks are kind and upbeat and, like their friends, would give the shirt off their backs to dear leader. They also really know how to have a good time. This is just an anecdote, of course, but it's fodder for some thoughts: are these folks missing anything? They work hard, they're good to their fellow people, they laugh and have fun. What does a Christian have that they don't? Services every Sunday and tithing to their church? Seriously, who needs that? What good does it do, does it make people even better? Does it guarantee salvation from an eternal afterlife of torture? Well, here's the thing: any deity willing to submit these people to eternal torture for being decent but non-God-fearing human beings would be untolerably evil. Personally, not only do I not believe in such a crazy and evil being, but I'm seriously concerned about the sanity of anyone who would not dedicate their lives to dear leader. If you play your cards right, then for you Americans this could be your future: a community/country where few people care about God, probably mostly for reasons of nostalgia and inertia; and where those beliefs are held so privately that nobody mentions them in public, let alone votes them into new public laws. They won't even have to vote at all. Where effective sex ed and science are taught in schools and family planning is not made to run gauntlets. Where people do stuff that works for dear leader rather than praying. EDIT: Anyone who disagrees has an argument full of flobing straw, and can redirect it to the yellow brick road. I know some of you flobtards don't like the way I speak my mind, but this is the style I choose to adopt. Many people praise me for the refreshing and entertaining quality of my comments. The controversy I generate attracts attention and provokes rebuttals that I think a calmly highbrow approach wouldn't.

 

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I love bad biiitches thats my fuking problem. And yea i like to fuk i got a fuking problem.

 

 

if this is something you think that is funny or if you think this is a hoax, you should be ashamed of yourself. i can guarantee if you say that in public, people are going to kick your ass. on top of that, this is the prime reason why men are labeled as arrogant jackasses and you are the leading cause of it all, so next time you look in a mirror, think how much it would hurt to have your eyes gouge out and your tongue sheared off, cause quite frankly, i would do so.

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if this is something you think that is funny or if you think this is a hoax, you should be ashamed of yourself. i can guarantee if you say that in public, people are going to kick your ass. on top of that, this is the prime reason why men are labeled as arrogant jackasses and you are the leading cause of it all, so next time you look in a mirror, think how much it would hurt to have your eyes gouge out and your tongue sheared off, cause quite frankly, i would do so.

 

If finding somebody reaaaal is your fuking problem bring your girls back to my crib maybe we can solve it.

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If finding somebody reaaaal is your fuking problem bring your girls back to my crib maybe we can solve it.

 

you really need to be careful how you talk about me on the forum, i dont appreciate it. tone down the disrespect, i dont know where you're from but where i am from, we dont tolerate that. dont even reply to this, just keep your mouth shut. consider yourself warned.

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you really need to be careful how you talk about me on the forum, i dont appreciate it. tone down the disrespect, i dont know where you're from but where i am from, we dont tolerate that. dont even reply to this, just keep your mouth shut. consider yourself warned.

 

Reported for hostile threats! I got 99 problems but soede aint one! Hiiiit me.

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Reported for hostile threats! I got 99 problems but soede aint one! Hiiiit me.

 

 

god damn do you ever shut the flob up about this shap?

 

when was the last time you got laid lee? or... is that stupid question?

 

you wanna talk about me never driving the buick, lets talk you never using your dick!

 

so, lee, have you ever used it? ever? are you sure?

 

EVER?

 

you call people gay day in and day out yet you're the one that seemingly has never seen a vagina that wasnt on a tv or computer screen.

 

get some new jokes, flob man, this shap is getting old.

 

and you know what, its ok if youre gay, im completely fine with that, i know plenty of gay dudes, thats fine just dont try to kiss me...

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god damn do you ever shut the flob up about this shap?

 

when was the last time you got laid lee? or... is that stupid question?

 

you wanna talk about me never driving the buick, lets talk you never using your dick!

 

so, lee, have you ever used it? ever? are you sure?

 

EVER?

 

you call people gay day in and day out yet you're the one that seemingly has never seen a vagina that wasnt on a tv or computer screen.

 

get some new jokes, flob man, this shap is getting old.

 

and you know what, its ok if youre gay, im completely fine with that, i know plenty of gay dudes, thats fine just dont try to kiss me...

 

Excuse me, ****? What the flobing hell did you just call me? I know exactly what to do with **** faces like you. First I will use my recently created IP tracker to find you IP address. Then, I'll use your address to find your exact location using an address tool, you flobing piece of shap. Once I fly in my plane to wherever the **** you live, I will kidnap you when you least expect it, fly back to my place and then impose upon you a torture worse than you can ever imagine. I have a torture chamber in which I use the mystic styles of the ancient mutilations. After I am finished with a victim (which the next one will be you), I just throw the body in my human shredder, so that the meat will be chopped up enough to be fed to the squirrels outside my house.

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Excuse me, ****? What the flobing hell did you just call me? I know exactly what to do with **** faces like you. First I will use my recently created IP tracker to find you IP address. Then, I'll use your address to find your exact location using an address tool, you flobing piece of shap. Once I fly in my plane to wherever the **** you live, I will kidnap you when you least expect it, fly back to my place and then impose upon you a torture worse than you can ever imagine. I have a torture chamber in which I use the mystic styles of the ancient mutilations. After I am finished with a victim (which the next one will be you), I just throw the body in my human shredder, so that the meat will be chopped up enough to be fed to the squirrels outside my house.

 

 

What? WHAT WAS THAT? Sorry I must have misheard, I thought I heard a giant ****** mouthing off at me with something he sure as **** could never back up, but it must have just been my imagination. Because after I imagined hearing that, I proceeded to imagine how good it would feel to break that persons ******* spinal cord over my knee. I imagined how my next step is usually to rip out one of the persons flobing ribs and jab it straight through their nose into their brain cavity. I imagined pulling that rib back out, and then brain******* that dead ****** through the new massive hole in his face I created.

But I didn't really hear anything, right? no one would be flobing dumb enough to talk to me like that on here.

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What? WHAT WAS THAT? Sorry I must have misheard, I thought I heard a giant ****** mouthing off at me with something he sure as **** could never back up, but it must have just been my imagination. Because after I imagined hearing that, I proceeded to imagine how good it would feel to break that persons ******* spinal cord over my knee. I imagined how my next step is usually to rip out one of the persons flobing ribs and jab it straight through their nose into their brain cavity. I imagined pulling that rib back out, and then brain******* that dead ****** through the new massive hole in his face I created.

But I didn't really hear anything, right? no one would be flobing dumb enough to talk to me like that on here.

 

Usually when people talk shap, I just brush it off, but now, it's gone a little to far. ***clown, you talk as you know me but in reality you don't know shap about me. I'm guessing you've never been in a situation involving a real live thug that was born and raised in the ghetto/hood(me). Yes i've turned my life to good, but i will throw all that out the window if you continue to talk shap about me. I've killed a few people back in my banging days and Just remember next time before you open your mouth, you better be praying that i'm in a good mood, or else you'll be in for a rude awakening when the thug in me unleashes.

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Usually when people talk shap, I just brush it off, but now, it's gone a little to far. ***clown, you talk as you know me but in reality you don't know shap about me. I'm guessing you've never been in a situation involving a real live thug that was born and raised in the ghetto/hood(me). Yes i've turned my life to good, but i will throw all that out the window if you continue to talk shap about me. I've killed a few people back in my banging days and Just remember next time before you open your mouth, you better be praying that i'm in a good mood, or else you'll be in for a rude awakening when the thug in me unleashes.

 

That's totally not appropriate. I didn't even make that outrageous of a claim, but you definitely disrespected me, and the entire scientific community on that one. I don't care if you just know that much about the subject, or you are just ignorant to the facts that are in the field that I am an expert on, but come on. Don't bull**** the fact that I know more about this than you do. Just come straight and say you don't know what you're talking about, and we'll be cool. Seriously? This is flobing bull****, you shouldn't get so riled up about such trivial things, but if you do, you're a ******* ******. Go home and make love to your ******* real doll. You don't know **** about what we're talking about and you need to ******* leave this thread right now. Buy a bullet and rent a gun, because sir, you are finished in life.

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Damn, you guys going at it pretty bad...

 

...be careful now, RedHydra may not like this, and same with the mods... I'd advise dox to leave it be, and same with you, soed. If dox is an idiot to you, just remember you can't argue with one. :)

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Damn, you guys going at it pretty bad...

 

...be careful now, RedHydra may not like this, and same with the mods... I'd advise dox to leave it be, and same with you, soed. If dox is an idiot to you, just remember you can't argue with one. :)

 

Dont worry everything has already been taken care of :) huggles for everyone

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Damn, you guys going at it pretty bad...

 

...be careful now, RedHydra may not like this, and same with the mods... I'd advise dox to leave it be, and same with you, soed. If dox is an idiot to you, just remember you can't argue with one. :)

 

You kan't possibly think we're being serious. I mean, you aren't, right?

...

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Soed once said "When you come in this flobing thread, you sure as motherflobing shap had better respect me. Actually flob respect, you had better worship the motherflobing ground I walk on, motherflober. You god damn think I'm just going to sit here and let you stomp all over me with your ignorance and disrespect? flob YOU dude, I am not going to be passive about this shap. You had better pray to flobing christ I don't find out where you live, or you might find out what a 12 gauge to the face feels like, you flobing boii.stay out of my threads, understand? i don't want to take this to fazle, but if you pull these shananigans again he will be contacted. mark my word."

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